Hello, it’s nice to meet you here. Here I’m going to try to write things that come to my mind. Those might be insecurities, fears, processing past events and such.

I don’t really know why a person would like to read those and it does make me feel exposed, but i just want to let go of some stuff and share it with anyone who feels reading things like that.

I’m in my 20s and at the moment I dropped my studies. I am working, but also still living with my parents, but I mostly do everything by myself, occasionally they make food for everyone and I do too, but that’s it.

I moved to another city, with my parents, at 19 to study something great. At least I thought it was great, but with time I started disliking it and now I don’t feel like continuing. I didn’t really make friends there, maybe because I got depressed after my now ex broke up with me or because I started smoking a lot of pot as well, which helped with the sadness, but it made me less reactive and active towards other people.

Now I’m working after 4 years have passed. I’m working with children at a special Ed school. It’s a very nice job, the best one I ever had so far, but I do feel a lot of anxiety, mostly with my other co-workers that are around my age. I like them all, but I always feel like a weird guy around them. I feel not good enough and anxious. I might have a depression, some pain which is deep inside of me, who knows.

I’m fearing now for my future. I want to study music education, but im not very good at playing the guitar and I can’t sing so good, but I like it, singing and playing guitar, it’s one of the few things I really like, but I’m self conscious about it. Scared to fulfill my dreams, but also scared not to fulfill them.

I feel like I have to change, but out of a fear, like I’m too stupid to do anything right, too ugly to be near, too weak to be a man, too uncool to have friends.

If that is so, I don’t know why, than I surely should feel ashamed about myself, or not? I mostly feel that I shouldn’t or better said I mostly think that I shouldn’t, but I feel those fears, constantly. I don’t know what to talk about with others and with some people I don’t feel like it’s difficult at all to, but now I often think that I’m some way they are going to dislike me and find something which is not good about me to just get away.

I love my family, because I feel not so weird there. I do feel weird about not being that small kid anymore who I was and now acting different from the way I use to then, but… well I don’t know how to continue this sentences.

I do miss my Ex, I had some great times with her, we had a lot of fun, but I can’t be with her, because we always hurt each other and in the end she wants different things from life than me.

I don’t know what to do with myself, but I sure do hope to find out soon and that I can find some way to feel better. I don’t want to feel like this and I don’t want to give up on myself either. I need to figure things out and find the right way for me, I just need to be strong enough to believe that there is a right way for me and that I don’t need to feel ashamed about that way and the way I am.

Thanks for anyone who read this, you’re weird too man, but we all have to find a way to be okay with our weird ways, because it is okay even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Have a great day.